Things Transformers Would Never Say or Do: My Way!
by The Crab
Summary: Warning: Try to avoid the cat/dog/goldfish when you fall out of your chair laughing. Any submissions wanted!
1. It Begins

**Author's Note: ** I decided to try my hand at this. Enjoy! Btw, if you see ( and ) around a name, then it means submitted by that person.****

**Ironhide: ***in a British accent* No, Optimus, Rook to C4 is simply a terrible move!

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**Optimus**** (G1): ***on the phone* Sooo, uh, what are you wearing?....Ho-yeah I bet you can see right through that!

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**Galvatron**** (G1): **Alright, Decepticons, here's the strategy!

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**Cyclonus**** (Armada): **My jokes and puns suck!

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**Megatron**** (G1 or Armada): **Forget Unversal domination, I'm gonna fufill my dream: BECOME A BALLERINA!! *puts on a pink tutu*

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**Megatron**** (Armada): ***holding a Barbie doll, combing its hair with a pink comb* Ok, Barbie, we have to get you pretty before Ken gets here! (HotShot94)

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**Optimus**** (Armada or G1): ***with reading glasses on, is reading a book called "How To Be Evil Without Your Troops Knowing"* (HotShot94)****

**---**

**Ultra Magnus (G1): ***is watching Girls Gone Wild* (HotShot94)

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**Scourge (to Optimus): **Do you think they noticed we switched?

**Optimus****: **No way! (HotShot94)

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**Optimus****: ***Watches the Girls Gone Wild tape with Ultra Magnus*

**Spike:** HEY! What are you doing with _my_ Girls Gone Wild tape!?

**Carley****:** WHAT?!?

**Daniel:** *swipes the tape before anyone notices*

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**Hot Shot (Armada):** come and give me a hug SideSwipe!    

**Sideswipe:** ACK GET AWAY!! (HotShot94)

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**Thurst**** (Armada):** Megatron...i have a confession...i dont know crap about the stars and you're not going to win the war...wanna cookie? (HotShot94)

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**Demolisher:** *reading a book called "How to be a major Suck Up"* (HotShot94)

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**Megatron**** (Armada)**: Oh fiddles! I broke a nail!

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**Red Alert**: *reading "How To Kill Someone During Operation, But make It look like an acident!"* (HotShot94)

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**Hot Shot**: Optimus, I have to tell you something, I'm not actually Hot Shot, I'm actually *pulls off a rubber mask* Mike Myers *in Austin Powers' voice* Yeah baby!

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**Blurr**** (Armada):** Does this gun make me look fat?

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**Optimus****:** *lying on his bed on his stomach, feet in the air* Dear diary, today was ok, but it begane to get weired once Hot Shot rolled the Minicons in a carpet and threw them off of a bridge...

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**Red Alert**: *running throughout the base, making siren sounds with his voice* CLEAR THE WAY! BARBIE NEEDS TO GO TO THE SALON!

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**Megatron**** (G1):** *fires his arm cannon, but a 'Bang' flag pops out* What the? 

**All the Decepticons:** *pop out of their hiding places* APRIL FOOLS!!!

**Megatron**: *covers his face: Hehe, you guys, I swear!

---

**Hot Shot (Armada):** Ok Jolt, POWERLINK!

**Jolt**: NOO! YOUR LINK PORT IS ON YOUR ASS, AND YOU DON'T WIPE!  (Maelstrom)

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**Megatron****:** *wating outside the bathroom with his knees crossed* Hurrryyyy uuuuup! I gotta gooo!

**Starscream**: *taking a bubblebath* HOLD YOUR HORSES!! (Starscrem part by HotShot94)

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**Rodimus**** Prime:** Hey Kup, check out this shiny new coaster I picked up yesterday! *sets down his drink on it*

**Kup****:** That's the Matrix you idiot! (Maelstrom)

---

LOL. That was a fun 30 minutes. I'll take any submissions you guys got.

I'm out!


	2. It Continues

**Author's Note: **Here's more. Enjoy!

**Megatron**** (Armada):** I will call him Mini-me....err....Leader-one...yesss

**Cyclonus****:** Sir, are you drunk?

**Megatron****:** Yessss....

---

(updated version of Hot Shot as Mike Myers) 

**Optimus**: Wow, this Pepsi tastes great!

**Hot Shot**: Optimus, this isnt a Pepsi, its a Pepsi Twist" *unzips the Pepsi*  

**Optimus****:** Well thats spiffy  

**Hot Shot:** Oh and I'm not Hot Shot, I'm *unzips himself* MIKE MYERS, YEAH BABY!

---

**Tidal Wave**: I'm way to big to combine with you, Megatron

**Megatron**: Youre right. Quick, men! carry Tidal Wave and throw him into the washer!

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**Sideways**: *to his Minicon's combined form* what the hell am I supposed to call you anyway?  Rookwise? Crossrook? Bob? Joe? GGAAAH *shoots the Minicon*  (Maelstrom)

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**Rad**: *to Perceptor* Stop Leader-1!

**Perceptor****:** *punches Rad in the head* Dumbass (Maelstrom)

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**Megatron****:** *looks at the Requiem Blaster, and sees a label* Can also be used as a toilet bowl cleaner? 

Later on....

**Thrust:** *wades through water on the floor* What happened Megatron!?

**Megatron****:** Well...it got rid of the toilet bowl grime..... *takes toilet paper off of his horns* (Maelstrom)

---

**Optimus**** (G1):** *in the middle of a convo* Yeah, so me and Megatron started dukin' it out, right? And I'll- I'll admit he got in a few hits. But then he was all: "I would've waited an eternity for this *Optimus inhales*, Prime." And I was all: "Hell no!"

**Ultra Magnus:** Dude, Optimus, are you drunk?

**Optimus****:** What? No!

**Ultra Magnus**: Yeah you are! You're such a lightweight!

**Optimus**. Now thats not true! I used to pound engergon cubes like it was my friggin' job! Plus I didnt have anything to eat today, and I'm on these plesibos' the doctor prescribed to me.

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**Bluestreak**: *looks on his bed, finds a note* "I really like you"  *turns to see Optimus Prime blushing and holding his hands behind his back*   (Maelstrom)

---

**Minicons**: *all inside a giant gumball machine*

**Optimus****:** Men, empty out your pockets...this is gonna take a while!

---

**Hot Shot:** We really shouldn't have stopped at the train tracks sir

**Prime:** *looks at flattened quarters* But they are so neat looking! 

Megatron: *carrying a huge sack full of flattened quarters* You loose, Prime! Bwahahaha!! (Maelstrom)

---

**Megatron**: *is watching a soap opera*

**Demolishor**: Sir! We've found another Minicon, its the most powerful one in- *is cut off*

**Megatron****:** SHH! I'm about to find out who killed Stephanie!

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**Thrust:** *sips on tea* good thing Megatron doesn't know about our meetings. 

**Sideways:** I know, I'd hate to not have this quality time, more tea?

**Thrust:** oh yes please  (Maelstrom)

---

**Megatron**** (When infiltrating the Autobot base):** *quietly hums the Mission Impossible theme song*

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**Scavenger**: *sneaks up behind Cyclonus and takes the mini-con panel* I got the Mini-con, Neener Neener!

**Cyclonus**: That was rude and completely uncalled for!

**Scavenger**: awww don't cry poor baby.

**Cyclonus**:*bows head and shuffles away, sniffling*  (Maelstrom)

---

**Thrust:** Ah, Megatron, a star is falling, a sign that-

**Megatron****:** Oh shut the hell up! You've been saying that crap ever since day one! You're fired! *points the star saber at Thrust, but slices off his head*...Whoops

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**Cyclonus**: I gave that Autobot the "Punch" line, gahahahahaha

**Starscream**: did anyone ever tell you you're not funny

**Cyclonus** *gets teary eyed* n...n...no, they're seriously not funny?

**Starscream***shakes head*

**Cyclonus:WAAAHHHH** *cries*  (Maelstrom)

---

**Galvatron**: Now we'll board Astrotrain and...

**Astrotrain**: Why do we always have to ride me, how about I ride you for a change! *jumps on Galvatron's back*

**Galvatron****:** BWAAAAA!

**Astrotrain**: Hi ho Galvy, AWAY!   (Maelstrom)

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**Soundwave**: Has anyone seen my Brittany Spears cassette?

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**Optimus****:** I dont care, KILL 'EM ALL!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! (HotShot94)

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**Megatron****:** So Thrust, what is your master plan for today?

**Thrust:** Well Megatron, I'll need some duct tape, a bar of soap, two Mini-cons, a bottle of vodka....   (Maelstrom)

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**Megatron****:** *sitting on throne, petting Leader-1* I'll get you next time, GADGET!

**Leader-1**: REEOOWWW  (Maelstrom)

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**Unicron**: Nick nack, pally whack, give the dog a bone! This old man came rolling home!

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**Megatron**: I'll kill you if you dont give me your Minicons.

**Red Alert:** Oh you think so? Bring the shizzle!

**Sideways**: We'll trizzle the shizzle all over the hizzle!

**Optimus****:** Yeah? bring it ma-kizzer shana zarilla shaz biaz natch ga-ziza! *does a gang sign*

---

**Skywarp****: ***looks at Thundercracker* Hey, I'm I Thundercracker or is that you?

**Thundercracker****:** You know what, I'm not to sure of that myself. We looks so much alike and all. (Agent A.T.)

---

**Soundwave**: I pitty da foo' who don't listen to Soundwave. Sucka. (Agent A.T.)

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**Thrust:** Megatron has fallen. Starscream, you must be the new leader!

**Starscream**: Me? No, I couldn't! You go ahead! (Ashana)

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**Demolishor****: **aw go suck an egg Megatron! (HotShot94)

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**Silverbolt**** (G1): **Alright Arielbots, combine!   *they combine*

**Superion****: **I am Voltron!...er no wait...****

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**Megatron**** (G1):** _....._...._ *farts*

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**Soundwave****:** *dressed up as an employee at Sam Goody*

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**Sideswipe (Armada):** Gee, Hot Shot, what're we gonna do tomorrow night?

**Hot Shot:** The same thing we do everynight, Sideswipe: try to take over the world!

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**Starscream****:** Arcee will you marry me? (Space Toaster)

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**Armada Starscream:** I wanna soak up the sun... (Space Toaster)

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**Megatron**** (Armada):** NO! I BROKE A NAIL! *cries*  
  
**Starscream****:** Oh boo-hoo! Now stop you're whining you're giving me a headache! _  
  
**Red Alert**: OH MY GOSH YOU BROKE A NAIL!? OKAY WHO'S GOT THE SUPER GLUE!  
  
**Hotshot:** *quickly hides glue he was eating* Glue? What glue, I don't have glue nope not me...*whistles innocently* (Alc)

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**Rarchet****(****G1):** I don't want to go to parties. (Crazycat)  
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**Wheeljack****(****G1):** No! Not the lab. *hides behind in the closet* (Crazycat)  
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**Perceptor****(****G1):** No more experements. *smashes tubes* Be free my lovely pets *lets lots of wierd animals out of cages* (Crazycat)

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**Demolisher:** ((sitting dangerously close to a TV)) I love you, you love me, we're a happy family... (Duel Mistress K)  
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**Thrust(****armada):** Slaggit, Starscream! where the hell's my lube?! (Duel Mistress K)  
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**Optimus**** (Armada):** F is for friends who do stuff together  
  


**Megatron****:** U is for u and me!  
  


**Both:** N is for anywhere and anytime at all!  
  


**all**** Armada Bots:** down here in the deep blue sea!! (Duel Mistress K)  
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**Hotshot:** ((after Smokescreen "died") Oh my god! You killed Smokescreen!  
  


**Red-Alert:** You bastard!! (Duel Mistress K)

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**Unicron****:** hm. Maybe I should join the Autobots and forget Matrix. And while I'm at it, I'll become a member of the 'Humaine Socioty'. (K9)

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**Megatron**** (armada): (**get's on the front of the wrecked ship and puts his arms up.) I'M THE QUEEN OF THE WORLD!  (K9)

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(Unicron is in robot mode humping Cybertron)  (K9)

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(Kup opens a closet and finds Hot Rod and Arcee 'on the job',) 

**Kup****:** Hello, hello. 

**Hot Rod:** Why don't you take a picture? It'll last longer! 

(All the humans and transformers, Autobot or otherwise, pop up and start taking pictures along wlth Kup.) 

**Hot Rod:** D'oh! 

**Arcee****:** You had to say that didn't you? (K9)

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**Author's Note: **Well now, that's chapter 2! Thank you all for your submissions, but that doesent mean stop! Oh no! There's gonna be a third one coming out soon, but only if you submit your ideas! Keep 'em coming!


	3. It Continues Some More

Here's a bit more! Some are spoofs, too!

**Crocodile Hunter**: Ooooh look at this one, she's a beaute! *crawls to Megatron*      

**Megatron****:** Im not a she!      

**Crocodile Hunter:** Uh oh, we better be quiet, she seems to be giving birth!     

**Megatron**: .....Its 'cause of my horns, isnt it?

---

(MIB)  

**K**: Who told you, you had authorized permission to be on this planet?   

**Optimus**: ....But we're here to save the universe  

**K**: Book 'em slick  

** J**: Sure thing K     (Hotshot94)

---

(Jurassic Park)

**Megatron**** (BW):** *is walking through some woods*.....*T-Rex Roar*       

**Humans:** Dont...move.....maybe he doesent see- *get eaten by Megatron*

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(The Iron Giant)

**Tidal Wave:** BUUUUUNNNNNZZZZAAAAAIIIIIII *cannonballs in a lake*     

**Friend:** *looks up from his newspaper, and looks back as a huge tidal wave [no pun] is heading for him*

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**Scourge:** *painting him self just like Optimus* (Hotshot94)

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**Optimus**: Ok, Megatron, I'll hand over all the Minicons. But in excange, I demand full access to your pool!           

**Megatron**: Deal! *Optimus and Megatron shake hands*             

A few days later...

**Optimus****:** *sitting in one of those chairs that go in the pool, drinking lemonade, and in light green swimming trunks in Megatron's pool* Hehehe, sucker!

---

**Hotshot**: *in a James Bond movie as the get away car*     

**James Bond: ***he and the girl get in*    

**Hotshot:** NOW WAIT JUST A SECOND! Everytime you get in the too-good-to-be-perfect sports car, you tear it all up! I'm not gonna be torn up! James, get out! The girl can stay!      (by Hotshot94, edited by The-Crab)

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**Unicron****:** Need your couch moved? Need your house re-located? call 1-800-U-N-I-C-R-O-N today! That's 1-800-...er...*tries to think of which letters are on which numbers*....*moves his fingers like he's dialing* a, b, c....d, e, f....ah hell just call!

---

**Prime:** Jetfire, we need to combine now!

**Jetfire**: You just want to combine because I have a bigger wang

**Prime:** I'm tired of being made fun of! (Maelstrom)

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(All the Aramada Transformers hold Pokeballs in their hands while to Pokemon theme music plays.)  
  
**Optimus****:** Gotta catchum' all...  
  
**All:** POK...MINI-CONS. (Agent A.T)

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(Megatron hits Optimus.)  
  
**Optimus****:** (in a girls way) Ow, Stop it. That hurts.  
  
**Megatron****:** Gee, really. I was just funny with ya. (Agent A.T)

---

**Spike:** Hey, Optimus how did this war start anyway.  
  
[Optimus thinks back. He and Megatron are pulling on a magazine.]  
  
**Optimus****:** It's mine!  
  
**Megatron****:** No, it's mine!  
  
**Optimus****:** No, It's my PlayFemmebot of the Month Magazine!  
  
(Megatron trips up Optimus, who falls over, and drops the magazine. He picks up the Playbot and runs away.)  
  
**Megatron****:** It mine now! Haha!!  
  
**Optimus****:** This means war Megatron.  
  
//Flashback ends//  
  
**Optimus****:** Um, I don't remember. (Agent A.T)

---

**Optimus**** (Armada):** (during the episode Palace) What did you do with the humans?!  
  


**Demolishor****:** I ate them! And they were quite tasty too! Baby! The other *other* white meat! baby! It's what's for dinner! (Duel Mistress K)

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**Hotshot:** (while Scavenger is asleep) c'mon, Jetfire! help me with the warm water! All we need to do is take one hand and put it in like so...  (Duel Mistress K)

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**Optimus****:** you know how when men say fine, it just means fine? well when wemen say Fine it's code for I'm really *said slowly* pissed off and you have to find out why.  (Hotshot94)

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**Hotshot:** i go places even if the word "Might" is there...you know there "Might" be cake! so im like common common there might be cake common!! evem if its at the DMA.  (Hotshot94)

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**Megatron****(****Armada):** (Is standing by a pool in bikini and jumps in) Wa! Mommy I need my floaties! (sivrwulfe47)  
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**Unicron****:** _ _ _  (sivrwulfe47)

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**Unicron****:** Magatron, I am your father. Oops! Wrong script!   
  
**Magatron****(****G1):** I'll say. (K9)

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**Unicron's**** head:** I will never eat refried bean's again (K9)

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**Galvatron****(****G1):** How dear you Unicron! Cybertron and all it's hot chick's belong to me! (withers in pain) NO! Not the Brady Bunch theam song! ANYTHING but that! (pain aparently intensafys) OKEY! You can have them! (pain stops) (K9)

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**Percepter****(****G1):** Now let's see. In order to kill Prime, and gain control of the Autobot's I'll have to... (K9)

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**Percepter****(****G1):** (Inside Unicron)Now listin everyone, Unicron is a vary complex thingy. if I'm not careful I could set up an irriversible two-second self-destrect mecanisum. (thinks vary hard) Better mess with everything and push all the buttons. (K9)

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**Unicron****:** (in planet mode)*sniff, sniff* Why don't I have any friends? BWA, HU, HU, HU! (cries his optics out...if he had any in this mode) (K9)

**Hotshot:** *stands in front of a corral in a cowboy outfit* Come on Red-Alert I wanna ride the ponie. (Crazycat)  
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**Smokescreen:** *in a bunny suit* Yippidy do it's Easter. I am the Easter bunny and I must give eggs to people. (Crazycat)  
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**Megatron****:** *nowhere to be seen but a battles raging then he transports there but for some inexplainable reason he's wearing a Santa suit* (Crazycat)  
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**Cyclonus****:** *in a turckey suit* Gobble, gobble? (Crazycat) 

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**Megatron**** (Beast wars):** I love you, you love me... OOC: can't remember the rest of the song. (Zylia)  
---  
  
((All the Megatrons from every season appear in one room with Inferno.))  
  
**Inferno (beast wars): **FOR THE ROYALTY! *looks at all the Megatrons* Which royalty? (Zylia)  
---  
  
**Blackarachnia****:**  *discovers a box full of transformers femme bot porn hidden in Silverbolts quarders*: SILVERBOLT  
  
**Silverbolt****:** I can explain my love! *gets hit over the head with a giant hammer* aug X_X (Zylia)  
---  
  
All the Seekers doing the Wazz up commerical, again can't remember the entire thing. (Zylia) 

---

**Soundwave****:** WOO-HOO, WOO-HOO, WOO-HOO, WOO-HOO! WOO-HOO! (Running around crazy.)  
  
**Starscream**** (G1):** Somebody's been watching too much cartoons.  
  
**Megatron**** (G1):** I knew I shouldn't have signed up for Digital Cable. (Phantom 1)

---  
  
**Armada Megatron:** Hm choices choises.. ( Looks at the Star Saber and the Requium Blaster.) Ok, I will give the Star Saber to Sideways.  
  


**Sideways:** Ah! *Falls over and passes out*  
  


**Megatron****:** Um ok. And I will FedEx the Requium Blaster to Optimus..  
He writes something on the package.  
  


**Thrust:**( Reads the message out loud.) To Optimus, from your loving husband, Demolisher. (silvrwule47)

**Author's Note: **_Well guys, there's another chapter for ya! Hope ya didn't hate me too much for making ya wait for so long. Keep up those submissions!_


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